Sunday, January 29, 2012

Moving forward

It's been a long time since my last post, and it's time to do something about that. In fact it's been so long the blogger interface has changed and I can't find all the controls! Seriously the last 6mos or so have been a struggle. It's time to find myself again and that means a return to focus on personal things.

Why does this blog exist?

This blog started in late 2004. There's a reason for that. That's when I became a dad. And while the content sort of goes all over the place, the real purpose of this body of work was to create a journal which painted a picture of who is was. I'd like Alexandra and Dylan to be able to hear, in my own words, what I did and thought when they were little, because somewhere down the road I will be old and much of this will be here say and distant memory. So kids, your take away here is that sometimes I lose focus on what is really important, like leaving these things for you. I promise to continue to try and keep this collection alive.

The last 6mos.

Following the Save the Bay swim, we remodeled the kitchen, two months of sheer torture which in retrospect were totally worth it, and I was "reorg'd" for the 3rd time in 18mos at work. Unlike the previous times, this one had a direct impact for me and my team and had me reporting to people with whom I had no previous work experience. In an understandable, though misguided effort to "make a good impression" I started focusing on work, to the exclusion. In many ways I'm still there though at this point it's become a bad habit that I want to break but am having trouble breaking. For years I've understood that we as people aren't defined by what we do at work, what our title is, what our pay is. I say I understand that, but let me tell you it's easy to forget. And as the demands grew higher and higher I started missing important things and important people, and generally made myself miserable and isolated.

Sometimes even smart people are stupid.

I spend a lot of time feeling isolated and generally sorry for myself. I've convinced myself that I had no friends anywhere nearby. Associates and acquaintances, sure, but not friends. I'm an idiot. As I slowly open my eyes, I'm seeing that some of the best people who I could hope to be friends with are literally right around the corner and one actually in the same house. People who have positive energy. People who don't care who you report to at work or what your rank is at your company. People who really just want to be expectations. Honestly, this realization is a little unsettling, largely because I feel I've done very little to deserve this friendship. But I guess that's one of life's funny things; it's not my choice.

Going forward I know I need to change. I'm pretty sure I need help doing so. (So Doug, while you've committed to less "brow beating" in 2012, feel free to do some. Some of us need a push to get moving again!) I strive to return focus to the true me: the lover of the ocean, the lover of the mountains, the geek, the coffee addict, the athlete, the dad and the husband...and the friend.