Saturday, January 15, 2011

Muddling

It's been a struggle the last 2 weeks or so. Happens within a few weeks of this date every year, and in fact I've written about it previously. Fortunately good hard workouts help. They don't fix everything, only spring seems to do that, but they help. I got outside today. Cold, but sunny and calm so it wasn't too tough to warm-up and get moving. Finished the day with a much better time than I expected, which in turn proved that the negative thoughts have little to do with reality. Having the hard numbers really helps.

I've also spent some time chatting with my Dad the last couple of weeks. In fact I owe him an email this weekend. I decided if I can't be in Pittsburgh to talk about nothing with him, I'd write him from Rhode Island and "challenge" him with bigger topics. We discussed the nature of God and the theological understanding of God vs. what many churches still promote. It's actually astonishing to me that such a separation exists. Turns out I fall into the theologian camp more than I ever thought possible. Yes stunned even me! After all I'm the kid who hung the "WARNING: Theology Area" sign on my Dad's home office! Now this discourse doesn't mean I'm running down to the nearest church and signing up, but he has given me some things to think about.

The hardest thing to overcome is the feeling of isolation. Well in the past week I had to make a decision based on my "thinking" brain, to the objection of my "emotional" brain. It was the right decision, but frankly did not help the perception of isolation. The emotional brain really does not like losing! I elected to not be part of the QT2 Team this year, though I am still being coached by them. It really changes nothing, though maybe the clothing...we need to work that part out, but it feels like things are different. As rowers we all did ridiculous workouts in miserable, dare I say medieval, conditions at times and thrived because we did them together. Even if you were off your game, chances are someone was still holding it together and they'd help you through. That's what teammates do. So emotionally I feel like I'm cutting myself off from my teammates, turning my back on them. The reality is not quite like that, but again the emotional brain doesn't listen too well to the thinking brain.

**Update**
We went skiing today. It could have been a total disaster (okay maybe it was somewhat of a train wreck), but amazingly I kept my patience. Being out in the sun definitely helps. I have a few hours of trainer riding ahead of me and am dreading decending into the cellar, but sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do. I'd like to think things are heading north again and maybe they are, or maybe it'll just last as long as the sunshine. Either way I plan on enjoying the moment.