Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Choice and Sacrifice

Okay, so this not so original thought came to me after an extended "disagreement" with Leanna. My life is what I've made it through my choices, and for the most part it's all good. "So why you lookin' so down, Joel." No my monkey didn't die (name that reference), I've been reflecting on one of the statements that came out of the disagreement and it's totally true and I have nobody to blame but myself. I have no social life. None. I have a few friends, and those that I have I rate as close, but that doesn't mean we go out much or do things on the weekends. I've gone down a path which others can't really follow. It's my choice. I can sit here and be rational about it, but the truth and thus the emotional response is the same. I mean seriously, who is going to join me for 4 1/2 hours of suffering in the wind and rain?! It gets pretty damn lonely.

Why the reflection now? Well in an extended moment of self-pity I was considering withdrawing from the world championships. I mean really, I'm very likely pack filler. The real race is going to be 15 or 20 minutes up the road from me if I have a really good day. It seemed like I was just wasting our money on the trip.

Let's just say Leanna didn't see it the same way. In short, what were all the long hours for if I was going to drop out of the single biggest event of my life (so far). Okay I was thinking the lesson was family resources were more important than personal goals, but I was quickly reminded that I was just the person executing this race. Sacrifices for preparation were made by all, not just me. So my dropping out was discarding what all family members had sacrificed.

Yes I'm rambling but perhaps I can tie it all together again. In short, I'm racing because I'm not the only one who has made sacrifices. I'm racing because it gives some purpose to everything I've given up personally (like a social life). I'm racing because I want to.

Now if I can just convince myself of this I'll be all set.