Thursday, December 22, 2005

No doubt you've noticed my infrequent, but readily apparent departures from the standard themes of family and introspection. Well these meltodowns occur outside of the internet as well. Leanna has to deal with this in real-life! Hey, that tag line below the title is there for a reason.

Hopefully the current crisis has passed. I upped my B vitamins, reduced the caffeine (a little), and went a night without my glass of wine (okay only because there was none in the house, BUT I didn't go out!) With my restored frame of mind came a calm and, shall we say, forgetful state. I went out to get firewood last night, and as the door clicked shut I realized...shit...I left my keys inside and the door is now locked. I circled the house twice and it appeared all doors and windows were locked. You see, Leanna and Alexandra are down at grandma and grandpa's house now, and Otis and Bentley, having been fed, had no real motivation to help. Yes Dadda was f---ed.

I had my cell phone with me, so with the remaining charge I did what any self-respecting man would do in a similar situation...I called my wife and yelled at her for not putting a key under the deck! Then I hung up on her! Dammit woman, I need ideas, not sympathy! No, no...I wasn't calling a locksmith or going over to the neighbors. That's like asking directions. No, I pride myself on crisis management and problem solving skills, so I was finding a way in without breaking anything. I mean seriously, we're talking about the same person who, in his youth engineered the perfect break-in of the prison, I mean, school store. In that "Escape from Alcatraz" spirit we worked night after night with only the blade of a hacksaw, only cutting a single piece of rebar when the schoolhouse bells were ringing (which covered the sound of the saw), planning to enter through the suspended ceiling, and exit again undetected (The stupid football players were kind enough to unknowingly cover our tracks when they simply broke the door down and ransacked the place). But I digress, back to last night.

Having tried my trusty Stop 'n Shop card (which might well have worked had I kept trying, so note to self, get a deadbolt for that door), I circled the house one last time, and there it was: one window in the family room with the latch lever pointing the opposite direction of all the others. It was OPEN! And even better, it was a very new window so it would slide up without a fight! Now I just had to get past the screen. Employing a 2mm allen wrench (found in my truck which was unlocked), I was able to flick the latches securing the screen, and remove it. I shimmied through and belly flopped into the family room. Success! MANLY SUCCESS!! I did my touchdown dance for a moment, grabbed my keys, and went out and got the firewood.

(And yes, I called Leanna and apologized.)

(PS: I can't take full credit for the logistics of the store break-in. My partner RGGM was instrumental. RGGM, if you're out there, I still think of our adventures with amazement and pride.)